i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize