I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
