I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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