If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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