I hate all girls vehemently.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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