my room smells like sperm. sweet.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
