He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
