she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
