I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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