So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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