My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
