im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
