chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have already put on my inside pants.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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