Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize