Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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