I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
