I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I could make wine with my vomit
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just invented taco cereal.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
soo... how was my night?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
