I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
