I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
