Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
