I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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