The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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