I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
