Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
