We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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