Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
