I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
