My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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