i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
where are you?
Hypothermia
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
