I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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