She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
