there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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