My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
