i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
