your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
