FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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