last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
