one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I need a beard to bite.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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