can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize