my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
