I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
