Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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