does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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