FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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