my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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