the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
