did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Who died my cat blue again?
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