just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
