Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
