YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize