the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
