the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
