If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
