My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
