My first STD was from a foam party
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
