I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
