I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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