I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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