Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
