38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
