I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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